Recently my family and I had suffered the greatest of losses. We were pregnant with our second child. We were hopeful. We were excited. We were blessed. We began to celebrate this great joy, dreaming about our future, planning for our growing family. It was magical...miraculous...beautiful. Our hearts and lives were full.
Then the unthinkable, the most unimaginable, horrific thing happened. We lost our baby. WE LOST OUR BABY. My heart still aches over this enormous loss. My eyes still well up with tears as I think about it. I think our baby was a girl.
I have felt the deepest of sorrow. I have experienced a level of grief I didn't know existed. And in it, I discovered God...
I have known about God for many years. I have been an active member of Church. I have behaved as I thought I was supposed to behave for God to love me. I did not know God. I DID NOT KNOW GOD.
Then the unthinkable, most unimaginable, horrific thing happened and through it I saw God for perhaps the very first time. I met Him in my deepest grief. I discovered that in the midst of tragedy, God was there. And He was okay with me expressing this overwhelming sadness. He wasn't to blame for what had happened. He hadn't allowed it to happen because of some evil thing I had done. We live in a flawed, fallen world where awful things happen and tragedy strikes when we least expect it and we are robbed of precious things. But God is still God, even in the midst of the pain. And the beautiful thing is that He welcomes our tears. He doesn't ever say, "Where's your faith?" He doesn't insist that we praise Him to avoid the tears. They do not make Him uncomfortable. Even Jesus wept.
How can I have such heartache over a child that I never held? How could I grieve for a baby that had only been in my womb for 6 weeks? Because of this God that I discovered. You see, only God can create a love so deep that it causes us to mourn it's loss when it is gone. A mourning so deep that it shakes us to the deepest part of our soul. What a miraculous thing. What a beautiful gift He has given us.
In this overwhelming loss I have discovered God. And He is far more beautiful than I had imagined.
...recently my family and I had suffered the greatest of losses. We lost our second child...YET, we ARE hopeful. We ARE excited. We ARE blessed. We STILL celebrate this great joy and we STILL dream about our future and we HAVE hope that our family will grow.
And each day, with each new happening, good and bad, through laughter and tears, I continue to discover God.
K
Monday, August 10, 2009
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