Discovering God in the Deepest Sorrow

Recently my family and I had suffered the greatest of losses. We were pregnant with our second child. We were hopeful. We were excited. We were blessed. We began to celebrate this great joy, dreaming about our future, planning for our growing family. It was magical...miraculous...beautiful. Our hearts and lives were full.

Then the unthinkable, the most unimaginable, horrific thing happened. We lost our baby. WE LOST OUR BABY. My heart still aches over this enormous loss. My eyes still well up with tears as I think about it. I think our baby was a girl.

I have felt the deepest of sorrow. I have experienced a level of grief I didn't know existed. And in it, I discovered God...

I have known about God for many years. I have been an active member of Church. I have behaved as I thought I was supposed to behave for God to love me. I did not know God. I DID NOT KNOW GOD.

Then the unthinkable, most unimaginable, horrific thing happened and through it I saw God for perhaps the very first time. I met Him in my deepest grief. I discovered that in the midst of tragedy, God was there. And He was okay with me expressing this overwhelming sadness. He wasn't to blame for what had happened. He hadn't allowed it to happen because of some evil thing I had done. We live in a flawed, fallen world where awful things happen and tragedy strikes when we least expect it and we are robbed of precious things. But God is still God, even in the midst of the pain. And the beautiful thing is that He welcomes our tears. He doesn't ever say, "Where's your faith?" He doesn't insist that we praise Him to avoid the tears. They do not make Him uncomfortable. Even Jesus wept.

How can I have such heartache over a child that I never held? How could I grieve for a baby that had only been in my womb for 6 weeks? Because of this God that I discovered. You see, only God can create a love so deep that it causes us to mourn it's loss when it is gone. A mourning so deep that it shakes us to the deepest part of our soul. What a miraculous thing. What a beautiful gift He has given us.

In this overwhelming loss I have discovered God. And He is far more beautiful than I had imagined.

...recently my family and I had suffered the greatest of losses. We lost our second child...YET, we ARE hopeful. We ARE excited. We ARE blessed. We STILL celebrate this great joy and we STILL dream about our future and we HAVE hope that our family will grow.

And each day, with each new happening, good and bad, through laughter and tears, I continue to discover God.

K

What will we look like?

What will we look like if we invite the whole world in and they refuse to look like us? Will we let them stay? Will we allow them to belong?

What will we look like if the unsaved join us Sunday gathering after Sunday gathering and they fail to say the prayer of salvation? Will we push religion down their throat for their own good? After all, isn't that the goal? Isn't that why we do what we do? To get the lost found?

What will we look like if we do what we're called to do and let God do what he promised to do? What will we look like if we depend on the Holy Spirit to get the job done instead of our well intended religious attitudes?

Will we look broken and damaged and hurting? Will we look broken and damaged and hurting with a glimmer of hope in our eyes? Will we look like a community of people who are a committed family of misfits, searching and eventually, hopefully, finding?

You Are Here Now...

The last year has been full of twists and turns. Some good, some bad, some welcome, some unexpected, some painful. So why all the twists and turns? Years ago, based on my charismatic faith, I would have thought that I must have been out of the will of God to be in such uncomfortable, difficult places. It would have been a depressing time. These days I have learned to see God in the difficult, uncomfortable, painful places. I have discovered that He is present always in all situations. He doesn't only show up for the fun stuff. I have discovered He is at work, refining, transforming and loving me through the tough stuff too.
So back to the question, "why all the twists and turns?" I have no idea. And for some reason, I'm okay with that.